Well hey there beautiful people,
As I’m sitting here writing after I haven’t written anything in what feels like forever I have come to the realization that I made this blog to be able to write freely and for some reason it has felt like it has become another chore. So, this post might look a little different but I feel like that is okay. My true intentions from the beginning of this blog was to write from my heart and to write about real time things happening in my life. This is supposed to be an outlet not another chore on my to do list so, here we go be sure to tune in my friends!
As you know my wife is transgender (MTF) and we have been together for 7 years, she came out about 2 years ago. Our relationship before her transition was full of love and the one thing we knew was that we wanted to be with each other. We were so young when we got married and had a lot of learning to do! She was a very angry individual and had a really hard time handling her emotions which I have eventually come to understand why since she came out to me. She was holding on to years of emotions and suppressing the largest part of herself. In fact, so was I. Sometimes I sit here and wonder how we made it so far for 5 years while we were both completely oblivious of who we truly were? Maybe I will chalk that up to self loathing and not looking deeper into our own and one another’s hearts. We were tolerating who we were and expecting to never have to change, maybe. I of course don’t regret the time we’ve spent together or the wonderful children we welcomed into our family but it is pure curiosity for me to think back on those years. Wondering how I lived so oblivious to everything surrounding me for so long and in such a routine that I wasn’t allowing myself to really be self aware.
This year has honestly felt like a repeat year for us, similar events were taking place like the year we had our first baby. When that thought entered my mind it stuck with me and has continued to stick with me everyday since. We were beginning to awaken; if it wasn’t for my wife transitioning I don’t’ know that we would even be where we are at today. It has allowed us to be vulnerable and to start to learn to be our truest selves together, to take this journey with one another. Each day this year I have started to feel more in tune with my body, my emotions and my surroundings. All because I recognized a small pattern that this year has felt almost like a repeat year, where we were reconnecting with old friends the same months and doing the same things as prior years before. It mad me feel like we deserved different, I NEEDED different in my life.. it was almost like a biological need inside myself and my wife for change after recognizing that little tid bit. Our emotions and reactions were even starting to look the same as years before, it felt like Deja vu but for many months, on repeat.
Slowly we started exposing ourselves, becoming more open to new experiences and new ways to live. We were finally in all of our 24 years of life allowing ourselves to become the beings our souls are meant to be and to walk the path our souls have longed for. Many of you may not know this but, my wife struggled to find a decent job for many years and the reasons were always different but at the same time the reasons were always the same. She recently got really sick and her tinnitus flared up, VERY bad. For almost two weeks straight she was in a deep depressive state wishing to die.. which is a crossroads she has been at many times before. (as well as myself) Yet, this was so much different then the last because she was at her wits end with the extra loud and incessant ringing in her ears. She yelled inside her mind while full blown balling that she just wants it to stop and in this moment she had the self realization of a lifetime.
At that moment, she told me she felt pressure release from the back of her head and the ringing started to subdue. It was still there but it was manageable again! She came to the realization of how long she had been self sabotaging herself by overly obsessing over everything that would go wrong in her life, over so many years. I am SO proud of her, I have been secretly hoping and waiting for this day all year! I came to this realization a few months after having our 3rd baby when i started to actually attempt to be open and loving into our new style of relationship. (& sex life of course!) We realized that it is all a matter of perspective, the saying “mind over matter” was given a whole new meaning to us in our minds. It was truly a beautiful thing! She was torturing herself by obsessing over everything going wrong when in reality we all have to make a choice everyday to be true to who we are, how we react to things, and what we let affect us etc.
This year has opened our eyes way the hell up! The ringing ended up being in a sick twisted way a new milestone for her in a new direction. Just as it has been the same for me this year , I have started to question every thought that happens in my mind. I ask myself why I think this way or why something makes me feel this way? What is the first memory I have of feeling this way? It has opened my eyes to a whole new perspective and way of life. I actually make a point to really realize and pay attention to the thoughts I have everyday. The way I think has been conditioned since I was a little girl based off of the events that have happened to me and my reactions to those situations. By me questioning these things I have allowed myself to recreate who I am today and who I want to be! It has allowed me to think outside of the box, to listen and acknowledge the signs I receive everyday showing me the way. Most of all, it has allowed my mind to stay open, to let go of the small things that I hold onto which only end up being a crumb in the broad spectrum of things.
It has allowed me to let go of constantly needing to control everything in my life and I’m no longer letting the smallest thing out of place derail me into a downward spiral. Since I’ve learned to actually live day by day and to let go I have found an amazing sense of peace and blind faith in the world. I have faith that everything will go as it is meant to and no matter what direction that is I will be okay, WE will be okay. We aren’t meant to know everything or understand everything, we are meant to live while we still have the years left. I am choosing to let my soul (& spirit guides!) guide me through this insane thing called life. I work my hardest for the direction I am going but, I also give in to what my higher self and the universe are telling me. All you have to do is PAY ATTENTION! There are signs all around us everyday, we hold the knowledge we so deeply crave about ourselves.. we just have to listen.
Staying open & listening has given me a sense of peace and freedom I never even knew was possible. I’m no longer busy controlling everything, worrying, stressing and making my mind run a million miles a minute. I am finally busy living and staying present in my own life! As awkward or as weird as I may feel about some of the changes I am making and will continue to make; I know in my heart they are necessary for my survival and my eternal happiness while on this earth. Are you questioning yourself? Are you questioning where certain behaviors or feelings have stemmed from your whole life? If not, I highly encourage you to! My life has started to unravel in so many ways my friends, I won’t act like this hasn’t been hard some days but I am just getting to reaping the benefits of tuning into my souls energy! I am scared as hell but I also have this burning excitement of what’s next, as long as your courage is a little bigger then your fear you can do anything! You manifest what your life will be like each day and who you will be take the leap, no matter what direction you go the universe will have your back even if it doesn’t feel like it all the time! ❤
Until next time my friends!